A GOP Dictionary For The Rest Of Us

There was a time when one could have a decent and constructive discussion with a Republican that didn't lead to being unfriended on Facebook or shouted down or bullied. That no longer appears to be the case. For the most part, attempting to talk to today's GOP voter causes my head to spin around (think Linda Blair). Many of us on the other side are convinced this is all they hear: whock, whock, whock, taxes, whock whock, whock, Reagan, whock, whock, whock, whock, Jesus, whock, whock, whock, whock, whock, whock....IF they allow you to talk at all.

Jonathan Bines, staff writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live, was kind enough to collect a glossary on How to Talk to a Republican and I had to share it with you here. Hopefully, it will help us break through the bubble or, at least, know WTF they are thinking!

• America (United States of): A country located in the N. Western Hemisphere that is #1.
• Bible: A sacred text that provides incontestable answers when thumped.
• Birth Certificate: An official birth record required of all US Presidents, regardless of race, since 2008.
• Capitalism: A system of economic organization that has never been attempted.
• Christmas: A holiday commemorating the birth of Jesus Christ, now rarely celebrated due to persecution by atheists.
• Compromise: (uncommon) A form of political suicide.
• Coast (East): A very bad coast of the continental United States.
• Coast (West): Another really inexcusable coast.
• Communism: The belief that the government should ever do anything.
• Condescending: Accurately informed.
• Constitution (U.S.): The hallowed founding document of the United States, the text of which must be interpreted strictly and amended immediately.
• Corporations: Large people who are overtaxed.
• Deficits: 1) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Democrats that threaten to bankrupt the country. 2) Fiscal shortfalls incurred by Republicans that don't matter.
• Democrat: A political party.
• Election: A method of selecting representatives, the fraudulence of which may be determined by the outcome.
• Elitist: Qualified.
• Endangered Species: Animals that have it coming.
• Evolution: A theory of human origins that is out there.
• Extremist (Liberal): Espousing or adhering to political beliefs that are held by only a majority of Americans.
• Fact: Information that has been verifiably posted to a RedState comment board.
• Forest (National): Trees that have it coming.
• Gut: Region of the body from which decisions should be made.
• Homosexuality: A membership-only lifestyle organization that perpetuates itself through youth recruitment.
• Hitler: A man to whom it would be inappropriate to compare President Obama in spite of the many uncanny similarities.
• Jesus: Charismatic religious leader and son of God; born in Bethlehem in the year 0; beliefs include love, charity, enhanced interrogation, privatized healthcare, elimination of the estate tax, and the right to carry concealed semiautomatic weapons.
• League (Ivy): an association of eight Eastern universities and colleges, the lack of a fancy education from which qualifies a candidate for political office.
• Liberal: A person who should be rounded up and shot but not really.
• Marxism: A political and economic philosophy developed by Karl Marx and promulgated by Paul Krugman.
• Media (Mainstream): Where you won't hear things.
• Medicare: A fraudulent, socialistic boondoggle that is sacrosanct.
• Mexicans: Brown people who have it coming.
• Mountaintops: Ancient rock formations that have it coming.
• Muslims: Brown people who have it coming.
• News: Fox News
• Obamacare: A Federally-mandated policy to address the national oversupply of grandparents through euthanasia.
• Organic: Eaten by lesbians.
• Party (Tea): A grass-roots movement of patriotic Americans fighting for the principle of "No Taxation With Representation."
• Poll: A survey used to determine, to within a margin of error, what percentage of Americans are right.
• Poverty: The condition of having inadequate financial or material resources due to not trying hard enough.
• Propaganda: The politically motivated dissemination of biased information, opinion, or data through its publication in the New York Times.
• Punishment (Capital): The legally authorized killing by the State of someone who is definitely guilty.
• Racism: A form of discrimination that typically happens in reverse.
• Regulation: Rules issued by a government agency for no reason.
• Ronald Reagan: A fictional character based loosely on President Ronald Reagan.
• Scientist: A person who employs a rigorous system of observation, experiment, measurement, and verification to perpetuate his Godless left-wing agenda.
• Social Security: A redistributionist Ponzi scheme that is sacrosanct.
• Socialism: An economic system invented by FDR.
• Taxes: Levies imposed by the government that raise more revenue the lower they are.
• Torture: A method of interrogation that does not rise to the level of torture.
• Terrorist: A person to whom a person who threatens to destroy the U.S. economy unless his demands are met should not be compared.
• Unbiased: Giving equal weight to both sides of the looking glass.
• Wealthy (the): People who earned every penny.
• Up: A direction which, depending on circumstances, is down.
• Warming (Global): An anomalous, anthropogenic increase in the earth's atmospheric and oceanic temperatures that isn't happening.
• Welfare: A government program to distribute Cadillacs to unwed mothers.
• Yes: (no translation available)