Five Stages, One Day

You are probably familiar with the Kubler-Ross model or the five stages of grief introduced in the book On Death and Dying by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. In the last 24 hours, I have bounced around these stages like a ball in a pinball machine.

Kubler-Ross says when confronted with a catastrophe or illness one will go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance, although not necessarily in that order. When you've known about the chronic illness of a loved one for over 40 years, wouldn't you think you'd be at acceptance by now?

After receiving news last night that I didn't want to hear, I was first hit with depression and denial. I was in full crexting mode - crying and texting. Today at work I found myself "bargaining", i.e., when Moose gets better, I'll go to church with her, I'll even pray with her...... well, I'll go with her if she switches to the Episcopal Church.... Okay, I've never been a good bargainer.

By the afternoon, I was angry. F**k Diabetes! Diabetes isn't just about avoiding sugar or taking shots of insulin or checking one's blood sugar numerous times a day. It is about blindness and neuropathies and renal failure and heart disease and gastroparesis and limb loss. It is about doctors' appointments and hospital admissions and numbers. 

I talked to Moose and she was hoarse but optimistic. Speeding on high doses of steroids, she felt okay and then I felt better. I may get to acceptance again, but it still hurts.